I’m not complaining about being with him b/c I love him and he loves me.
My question is about “THE MARRIAGE” – the wife has a choice to stay and work on marriage or divorce the cheater & the husband either has to end affair if he wants to work on marriage. Right? BUT what if he doesn’t end the affair & expresses to the wife that he won’t end his extra marital relationship.
Then who is responsible to take action? Husband or Wife? And again, why are you so hard on the mistress if this was HIS decision? What is the mistress to do if she cares for him.
This is really my life for the last 2years so mature & serious answers please. Not rant-n-raving from wives because i’m not your husbands mistress.
I can’t fix what I didn’t break. He was living alone before we meet. He presued me. Yes, I made the decision to date a SEPARATED man.
Wives please admit that when the marriage fails it often has nothing to do with the mistress & everything to do with you & your husband.
if a woman knowingly seduces a married man, she’s an *ss.
it’s like being a diet and someone walking front of you with donuts and cakes and everything!
yeah, it’s hard to resist good food on a regular basis, but TWICE as hard to resist it if it’s thrown in your face and FREE.
EDIT: if he can have a mistress, you should be able to have a man on the side. i think it’s sad that you don’t think you deserve more than this. really sad.
EDIT: if you’re the mistress in this situation, i think that it’s sad that you’re okay with being 2nd best. i think it’s sad that out of the million men in the world, you chose one that can never truly giev you the love you deserve. really really sad.
Both these women you described are morons.
The only “winner” in your situation is HIM!
M & D is so hard on the mistress because she is the low down dirty tramp that would would tempt a married man. Anyone with a little class would know that was wrong. Obviously you have no class.
Do you steal from the store? Would you take someone’s child away?
I didn’t think so…it’s the same concept!
People are so hard on the mistress because it’s a simple lesson you should have learned in preschool: You don’t take something that’s not yours. Why is taking someone’s husband any better than stealing or kidnapping? Can you justify a person kidnapping a child (taking a person that doesn’t belong to them) just because the kidnapper “cares” for the child?
It is his fault. Also, it’s the wife’s fault for putting up with it IF she knows.
It’s your fault for not having respect for marriage or for yourself. You will always be other woman with this man..not the wife. That in itself should tell you that he doesnt give two shits about you other than having sex with you. He also has zero respect for you. If that’s how you want to live your life, have at it..but dont complain when you feel like “the other woman” and dont expect people to bring you out of that hole you’re digging when he’s gone….because nobody will.
Well I think all of the blame should go on the husband, he is the one who betrayed the marriage. However getting involved with a man who is married…and you know he’s married is wrong…the “blame” shouldn’t go on you, but its still wrong…a married man is taken…he’s not available and therefore you shouldn’t go after them or allow them to go after you.
The reason we are so hard on the mistress for HIS decision is because you obviously didnt have the class the step back and let him try and work on his marriage.
You cant work on a relationship after cheating if the person they were sleeping with is still in the picture. If he clearly doesnt want to stop the affair, then why doesnt HE get a divorce? Why couldnt he get a divorce when he realized he was interested in other women? Why is it the wifes responsibility to be the last to know, and to make all the arrangments to make it easier on the cheating husband?
I’ll tell you why, because hes not happy with you or her alone. He needs you both. That alone should make you want to find someone that wants to put 100% of themselves into you. (I guess you could use that figuratively as well)
Edit* And to think ‘Marrypoppins’, shes been ok with it for 2 years? Doesnt it make you wish you spent those 2 years with someone that considered you their first priority?
Edit* to www. : I dont really think the mistress is innocent. Obviously the poster is well aware the man shes sleeping with is married. How is she innocent for choosing to be in that position? Yes sometimes they dont know their married, but thats not the case here.
And although some wifes arent perfect, lack of sex from your wife is not a reason to cheat. If its that awful then be a man and tell your wife you arent satisfied, and work on it or divorce. Dont sneak around behind her back like a little kid sneaking an extra cookie. You were adult enough to get married, be adult enough to face the issues.
It’s so hard on the mistress because that’s the price you pay for helping to split up a marriage.
I never blamed my ex husbands mistress, he was the one that was married to me and committed to me, he should have stayed faithful or ended it.
The mistress was and is a lovely woman and in another time and place we would’ve been great friends.
Too many people do not blame their husbands / wives fully, and they should
If he does not want to end his affair then he has made his decision, now it is up to you. If you do not care that he has a mistress, then just let it continue, because like you said, you love him. If you do not want to share your husband with another, and he does not want to leave his mistress, then you have to file for divorce and get what you can from him. Good luck.
how can you ask for mature and serious answers, when you yourself are not mature and serious.
“And again, why are you so hard on the mistress if this was HIS decision? What is the mistress to do if she cares for him” You are right the responsibility falls ONLY on the husband because he is the one wrecking the home, BUT if he wants to have the affair why isn’t he MAN enough to ask for the divorce? See any boy can sneak around and cheat but it takes a real MAN to face a problem head on.
why am I hard on mistresses…I just don’t think prostitution is right..I don’t hate mistress’s, I pity them so badly…Must feel so cold, so lonely…like a pet? a little dog when the master gets bored plays with? Yea…So sad…
edit to your edit: I will agree with you on one thing, the mistress did not ruin the marraige, the husband did.
edit to manfredo: but tell me since they now know, why not leave?
edit to ww. : I’m sorry but the msitress is the victim? The mistress is a victim only and only if they never knew the man was married. I was with a amrried man for 4 months, was amdly in lvoe with him but NEVER knew he was married. When i accidently, yes you read right, found out he was amrried I broke everything off! Yes I was in love with him, but i loved myself more. If that is/were the case then yes she is a victim and shouldn’t evne be called a mistress. But if she fully knew he was married, then she is not a victim but a willing participant.
edit to Michael T: I have to say I agree with him because married men are NOT defenseless, it is HIS job to stop even if the woman pursues him. Yes temptation is out there, but HE and only HE is the one who is married. The blame should ONLY be on the married man. Yes the mistress is a whore and is nothing but a disposable tissue but HE is the homewrecker because he is breaking his own home.
ok im so hard on this subject cuz when i answer questions i try to put myself in ur shoes. but as a wife i cannot even imagine breaking up a marriage so it just pisses me off. no matter what when someone cheats it is their fault but it is also the mistress. i always say if my husband cheated on me and the girl did not know he was married i would not be mad at her,but if the girl did know that just makes her trashy and i would pound her face in. i think when people cheat(the husband,wife,or the person on the side) they are being very very very selfish and they are not caring about anyone else in the situation but themselves. they do not care who gets hurt. that is a horrible thing to do.
The mistress and the husband are both to blame.. this is true.
But the mistress should have never gotten involved with a married man.
It is what you represent when you become involved with a married man..and what the married man represents when he cheats.
Now, if you don’t know that this is a bad thing to do, then no one can help you.
If available women stayed away from married men then married men would have to stay married or get a divorce in order to find someone to mess around with right. Blame whoever you want, each person should take responsibility when it comes to relationships. Life would be a lot easier on everyone if it was limited to the two people involved and honesty was first and foremost.
I am having a hard time understanding what your asking? If you are asking which spouse should file for divorce? I’d seek a lawyer as to what would be the best action in your state.( How you want to come out financially) If your asking if you should stay or go that’s a question you ask yourself are you better off with him or without him emotionally & financially. I suppose you could let him have his cake & eat it too in hopes all will blow over & he’ll want you in the end. That would all depend on your feelings for him & life.Again are you better off with or without him? Maybe go out & make a life for yourself before any decision is made. If he is using you why not use him also.
I agree w/ Merlin.
The husband who I “WAS” married to was totally wrong! I never wanted to know his mistress because I knew enough – she was just as lied to and decieved as I was. We both were in the dark about each other and that was another reason I was ready to divorce his ass. Not only did you lie to me & cheat on me he denied me to another woman so that told me everything I needed to know. Pack up & leave ASAP!
The only situation that I wouldn’t blame the mistress at all would be if she had no idea he was married. Once you KNOW then as an adult and as a woman it’s just as much your responsibility to end the relationship as it is the husbands.
Put yourself in the shoes of the wife. She has worked to build a home for her family and some other woman steps in and reaps what SHE sowed. It’s completely wrong. Imagine if you had met this man first and married him with the idea that it would just be you and him forever and then you come to find out that he’s cheating on you! it would break your heart right?
His wife should definitely divorce him but that none of your business because you need to take yourself out of the equation.
You should leave him and find a single man. OR do you have such low self esteem that you think you won’t find anyone else that likes you?
What ever goes around come around and i promise it will hurt 10 times as much as your hurting his wife, that’s just the way life is.
It is hard on the mistress because people, esp the wives, would never want to put blame on themselves as to why THEIR marriage failed. That would be completely unheard of! I mean to actually take responsibility of their own actions. It is so much easier to blame someone else and play victim.
When a man cheats, he is wrong! Plain and simple. The wives want to believe that their husbands love them and that someone else is to blame. The wives dont want to beleive that their husband can and would do that to them. They need to blame the OTHER women so that gives them the excuse to feel better about their choice of a “husband” and maybe take their husband back.
Wives never reflect on what they have dont to mess up THEIR marriage. Maybe withholding sex one too many times. Maybe spent too much money shopping one too many times. Maybe held a grudge too long, one too many times. Maybe abusing the husband is not the best thing to do. Wives think they are angels and can never do anything wrong.
I think the most innocent person is the mistress. She gets caught in the husband and wives drama and get blamed for everything. When in the end, she ends up with nothing but being used.
we’re hard on the husband because he commited the ultimate betrayal on his wife
we’re hard on the mistress (if she knew he was married) because messing with a married man is the lowest thing any female can do to another
how would you like it if another woman saw that your relationship was going through a hard time and took the oppurtunity to suduce your man?
not cool at all
it takes two to tango and in my opinion, the mistress and the husband are both equally to blame for their digusting relationship: if you truely want to be together then at least do the wife the respect of letting them get a divorce before you screw him!
Alright people. Let’s not confuse the issue. As a man, I can safely say that it is all the man’s fault! Regardless of whether or not the other woman “tempted” him, it is still his responsibility to say no. Comparing a married man to a person on a diet is ludicrous. If he was indeed “starving”, he should try to work it out with his wife. If he doesn’t want to work it out, he should seek a divorce. Often times, mistresses do not know that the man is married when they meet. Then after they develop feelings for the guy, he drops the bombshell on them.
you not a mistress…. so dont worry,,,,, your just a homewrecker… i am sure the lady is very happy ,, good job.. keep up the good work
No rant and raving here – I’m going to give you a huge benifit of many doubts.
I’d guess this is hard on you because you care. I agree that the mistress shouldn’t take all the pressure. As they say, it takes two to tango. In a very. very few cases like this, perhaps the wife involved also has some “blame,” but it’s very difficult to believe the one involved here chose to be in this situation – but you two have.
Why do you think all the blame should be on him? It sounds like you’re bitter that he’s staying with his wife. Maybe you’re upset because you don’t have any control in his decision. Even if he hid his marriage until you fell in love with him, you still made the decision to stay and to put yourself in this.
There is an expression, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I suppose technically, it could be aruged that he’s cheating on both of you – for 2 years. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change. If you chose to stay with him, you need to get used to this fact and used to the idea that you may not ever be the only woman in his life. Even if he does leave his wife, many men who’ve had a mistress end up getting another one when they commit to the first mistress. Unfortunately, I’ve heard of many men having mistresses but have never heard of them finally settling down with one woman. Perhaps society has to shoulder some of the blame here, but that’s another issue.
To you, it doesn’t matter if the husband or wife is responsible to take action. (Honestly, I’d say both. . . the husband for starting it and the wife for self-esteem.) But, you are neither the husband nor the wife. You might care for him, but if he cared for you, why is he still with his wife? It doesn’t matter how good or bad his marriage is. He needs to deal with it himself and unfortunately for you, in his own time which doesn’t seem to be anytime soon.
You need to sit down and seriously think, not just feel. Maybe you need to stay away for a bit before you can do this with a clear head. Why are you staying with a man who has shown he doesn’t respect or really care for you? (If he did either, he’d have found a way after 2 years.) Don’t you deserve more? How much are you going to take from him? What are your limits? What is it that you need to do without any guilt – guilt over what you’ve possibly “let” yourself be talked into, what you’ve done to another woman, to a marriage, a possible family, and to yourself?
Good luck – hopefully all of you will make it out of this for the better.
I put 75 % blame on the cheater and 25 % on the other man or woman because they are enablers…..they are helping the married one cheat.
So, he refuses to divorce….why? Cheaper for him if she files? And she’s refusing…why? Cheaper for her or because she can refuse thus preventing him from being legally ‘free’.
So I say whoever wants out should file….if the cheater wants out let them file..if the aggrieved spouse wants out let them file….simple as that.
Mistresses often think they’re getting the reprimand; however, since they have not entered into a public contract they do not have an understanding of what commitment, faithfully, loyally, in sickness & health (In many cases, the adultery can be a disease/sickness), for better or worse, really means … mistresses are just allowing themselves to be disposable and keeping the object of their desire disposable too.
You have no idea what the cheating man is exposed to and the true pains of his heart since you are looking only through the mistresses glasses.
I think because people think of marriage as sacred. The person who is outside the marriage is making it more difficult to repair the marriage. The outside person has no investment initially and the spouse does. Even after the outside person has some emotional investment it is not as much as the spouses. The spouse has actual physical labor and possibly child care and financial investments that are at stake.
I think that there is some bias though. People on the board tend to think of married men as defenseless against the mistress and unable to resist female charms. I don’t think that is true, although I’ve never had any potential mistress throw herself at me. I am pretty clueless when it comes to actual women instead of cyber ones though.
Whether you want to admit it or not…you are a part of this man’s cheating ways….I personally think a man or woman for that matter…who cheats on their spouse should take the MAJORITY of the blame….because the person he/she is cheating with…may not even know they are married….But once you find out that they are….The right thing to do is end the relationship….Why would you want to be a part of all this mess? If you love him as you say…..force him to resolve the issue with his wife first….Force him to end the marriage for good before he pursues anything further with you….If he really loves you and wants to be with you….Then he would make sure that everything with his wife has ended….By accepting him as things are now….He will never end his marriage with her…and you will never be number one in his life….NEVER!….Another thing to remember…If he can cheat with you…he is very capable of cheating on you….
I know this is about a year old but I find myself in a similar situation that is tearing me apart….please let me know if you are still involved with this because I would appreciate the story, outcome, or advice of someone who knows what its like….its is real easy to judge a situation that you are not in…circumstances are different in every situation….most the people who left comments are trying to only use black and white in an extremely colorful world….reply back if you want the input of a fellow mistress in distress :p
You wanna know something that will help you all. First of all most of you if not all are wrong. Im a women in my fortys. You cant judge anybody and shouldnt. To all you women out there try not to get overly emotional when I say this. Please calm down and really truely think with your minds ..OK. Some people make mistakes and make mistakes getting married to the person thats not right for them. For what ever reason they go ahead and get married anyway but I believe deep deep down they know they should not be married together. You should not get married just cause its the thing to do or tradition or because two familys expect it. And you shouldnt do it just cause you think your not getting any younger, or because your brother or sister is engaged and you want to beat them to it. You also shouldnt go into a marrige very quickly after meeting each other. Give a new relationship at least a year or two. A person can tell themselfs all kinds of lies like that there in love but without really admiting to themselfs that there in a false relationship. Years later it will all catch up to one or both the couple. Then theres the cheating because they dont know how else to get out of the false marrige. Im not saying this is the outcome of every marrige but at least half because most people are not really honest with themselfs or there partner. No body really wins. Not the husband not the wife and not the mistress. Its not always the mistress fault. Not if the married couple is in a false relationship.