Question by Puzzle Box: Need 3rd person perspective?
I’m 24 and my husband is 41. We have been married 3.5 years. He is from Algeria, I am from the USA…and needless to say, we have a lot of culture issues.
He has “left” me several times before; packed up his stuff and left over little things (I threw out a pot of cooking pasta once during am argument, for example…and he flipped and left).
Well last night he went through my purse at around 5 am and found a condom. I put it there a few days ago to give to my sponsee in AA (meaning – I mentor newcomers to Alcoholics Anonymous), who had asked me if I had any condoms she might have. She is very poor and lives in a recovery home and was too embarrassed to get some for free at Planned Parenthood.
Anyhow. I had to push back our meeting until Friday (tomorrow) so I just left the condom in my purse. My husband lost his mind.
I understand that its an alarming thing to find, but the fact that he consistently does not trust me breaks my heart.
He left after we had a short fight this morning, and now won’t answer his phone. I should give him space, I know, but…this is the fifth time he is threatening to leave, and maybe I should let him.
I don’t make enough to live on my own, and single life scares the sh*t out of me. I can get a room mate in an instant, but I’m still terrified that I’ll be alone with no safety net!
I don’t want to give up on the relationship and I do love him, but my heart can’t take this back-and-forth sh*t much longer.
Dinny – No one is saying that he changed overnight. Of course I knew we’d have issues, my point is that its not getting better and I don’t know how much more of these tantrums I can take.
To that 12 steps poster…
Who said that my sponsee was a newbie? The word newcomer was the quickest way to explain the phrase “AA sponsee” to those not in the know while still meeting the 1000 word limit.
Hows about you quit Big Book thumping and actually answer something relevant. That wasn’t even part of my question, der.
I have 4 years and she has 2. She happens to be a long-time friend and we work great together.
Best answer:
Answer by dinny’s engaged!!
I probably would have freaked too, but if he’s this way, didn’t you know this before you got married?? I just can’t believe people change to that degree overnight.
What do you think? Answer below!
seems that he feels he can’t trust you and knows that when he walks out you are scared to be alone and will do anything to have him back.
you need to let him walk and find someone closer to your age. The max age difference I’ve ever seen work is 9 years.
You’ve got two things going against you, the age difference and the different culture. It’s up to you whether you can live with it or not, personally I’d think it maybe time to call it quits while you’re still young enough to remake your life.
If you can’t take it, then leave him. It sounds like the relationship has issues. Either get some counceling or leave.
Many things going on here. The age diff, the cultural diff, the personality diff, wow. You are married, so that takes on a role all by itself. But woman to woman, sounds like he wants out just as much as you do, he just waiting for you to make the move. Don’t be afraid, to be on your own, it can be wonderful, you are young, seems like its time to expand and see what “you” are about.
A couple of things here.
First: Why did you throw out a pot of cooking pasta? I suggest he left at that point, not because you threw out the pasta, but if you were arguing, he would have left anyway. It just seems the action of throwing out the pasta is what you have associated it with.
Second: Regardless of the reasoning involved, if I found a condom in my wife’s purse, I think I would be extremely upset. Especially if I were 41 and had a 24 yer old hottie as a wife.
I have found normally, (not always, but normally), if there are trust issues they are driven by another factor. The range is limitless as to what that factor might be in each case. You, knowing the situation, however, probably do know what triggers this reaction in your husband. If it is within your range of acceptability, you can probably control this. If it is not, then you need to decide if you want to continue to live like this. Good luck.
He sounds like he induces a TREMENDOUS amount of emotional stress! You sound patient and I know you need to that to mentor, but in this marriage you are wasting your time. (Although I am sure he was like this before you married). Understand that what you are putting up with right now, will last the life of the marriage… and so…that condom burst is nothing compared to his attitude all those times before….
Well I can understand freaking out about finding a condom in your purse. I can’t say I agree with going through your things though. All you can do is explain the situation surrounding the condom and why it was in your purse. You don’t need to be sorry for having it, you were trying to do a good thing by helping out someone who asked you. I think the real issue is his lack of trust in you and the fact that in 3.5 years that has gotten better. Sounds like it may have gotten worse. Not sure. I do think the difference in cultures plays a major role in how he views your relationship and how he treats you. I would say in Nigeria women are treated much differently. that being said you are and American and you live here so if he is unable to adjust to that then maybe it is better that you guys separate. Maybe a separation would give him perspective. It may be that you both figure out that things won’t work. Damn that was long. Anyway I think that if you have never given him a reason to distrust you that you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Our culture puts a huge onus on trust in a relationship, his may not. Hope I made some sense. Good luck.
Anyone who has the will can make it. network and find a better paying job. If he leaves sue him for alimoney to help you out too.
yes, I’d of been upset finding the condom too.
short tempers aren’t fun to live with.
step up to the plate and stop worying about the saftey net, just learn to be happy without all of his tantrums and anger.
He sounds immature and insecure. Your age difference is probably a big factor no matter what anyone says….it isn’t easy to be with someone that much older/younger then you. He doesn’t trust you. As for the tantrums…space and understanding i guess…goes for him too. He needs to ask questions instead of storming off like a 2 year old.
As a recovering alcoholic, you already know that you are vulnerable to relationship issues.
By accepting his behavior from the very beginning, you’ve enabled him to continue it.
The question is, can you change his behavior? You know if you attend AA that that is magical thinking. You cannot control anyone.
Are you willing to continue to accept his behavior? That is totally up to you. If you stay, what toll is his behavior going to have on you as time goes on? A drop of water against a rock does nothing, but over time, drop after drop will wear the rock down.
This is a decision period for you. Think about it, seek advice, then make a decision.
Good luck.
well, if it is not getting any better then why are you still there? don’t be scared of living the single life. there is nothing to be scared of. embrace it with joy and excitement. you may find that the single life is much easier than the married life. you don’t have to consider anyone else but yourself, you don’t have to share with anyone but yourself and you don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself. not only that but you will not have a spouse that constantly walks out on you. honey you need to move on from him. yes, it is the age and culture difference. if he is refusing to answer his phone over a condom that was found in your purse without even talking to you about it then there is a lack of trust…on his part. if there is no mutual trust there is no relationship. if you don’t make enough on your job to live on your own then you need to find a way. get a second job. pay down all of your debt so that you can be debt free when you do move out on your own. basically it comes down to this. you can either (1) stay where you are and continue to be unhappy or (2) move out and claim your independence and happiness.
You should let hm go and move on the best you can..My husband use to throw that shit in my face all the time and I had 3 kids and no job. So one day we where arguing and he said I’ll leave well I called his bluff and packed his suitcase for him and called his mother and told her to come and get him, because he was not taken the car. After about a week he was kissing my ass to come back. I told him no not until he was really really sure he wanted to be here.After about 2 months I let him come back, and believe me thing are so much better good luck
Don’t let him leave over something like that. Talk to him and tell him that now you realize you should have mentioned the condom thing to him (to have prevented this mess), and explain how much you love him and him only.
Truthfully, I would have flipped too. Leave one message, explaining yourself and the situation, and let him cool down.
Trust is so important in a relationship, so why don’t you two talk about couseling?
Tell him to grow the hell up and act like a man!! And if he refuses, divorce his childish immature ass.
Move home. It’s got to be better than being in a relationship like this.
why did you marry a foreigner?????????????????
Since he obviously doesn’t trust you, what have you got to lose? If you’re afraid of being along, get a roommate. At least a roomie wouldn’t go through your purse and freak out at every little thing (hopefully).
Quit being a doormat. You work with counselors—-get some help yourself and get off the emotional rollercoaster.
Sounds like his answer to every problem is just to pack up and leave. If you are experiencing this so early on in your marriage, cut your losses. I know you probably still love him and want it to work, but you can’t change him. It doesn’t sound like culture issues anyway; it sounds to me like he’s a “runner” instead of a “fighter”. Being afraid of single life is no reason to stay married. Change it scary and difficult, but you can do it!!!
It’s not your job to enable a sponsee to encourage any sexual behaviors early on in recovery. You are clearly falling short of the primary skills necessary to direct or advise someone in alcohol or drug treatment. You need to back off from sponsoring at this time and focus more on your own shortcomings. The problem starts with you. If she is to embarrassed to ask for condoms, how is she ever going to ask for help throughout early recovery and beyond. Good luck to the both of you.
It seems like he’s very insecure about your own personal obligations. It is defifinitely a cultural difference, maybe he was brought up in a patriarchial family or a conservative one. Either way, he does not like the way you react or what you do in your own time. Has the question, “how would you like me to react?” been thrown out? Maybe that will be a trigger for an in-depth conversation and see if you guys can find a mid-point. There must be a reason why he doesnt like what you do, so then give him a platform where he can talk it out with you and find a solution. You can’t live with him threatening to leave and actually do it all the time, do you know how that will affect you in the long run? Ever heard of severe depression? Give it a fair try, go to counseling whether its from a church or an actual therapist, have someone objective assess the situation. If things aren’t getting any better, you have to leave, you are very very young. I do not understand why you are afraid of being alone? There are 6 billion people that inhabit this earth and you won’t be able to find someone? Give me a break, you need to give yourself more credit . Even your blog seems like you are way more reasonable than he is, and even nice enough to give him more chances to come back. But you can’t keep living like this. He has to change, if he loves you enough he’ll do it.
Good luck!
It is that cultural issue thing. You are property and should never question him.
Honestly it does not sound like you two are compatible. You are the same age differens as my wife she was 23 and I was 40 when we met and married. The difference is we just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last month and we do not have the culture shock to go through.
There is nothing wrong at all with mixing cultures, but it seems to me it is harder on american women mixing with cultures where men have authority over women. They are used to being equal, I know they complain they are not but I bet you can testify that you are defenitly the lesser partner in your relationship.
Most American men would know better than to go through their wife’s purse without permission. At any rate there is not trust in your marriage. Some men just do not trust.Honestly as good as my marriage is I would have issues if I found a condom in my wife’s purse, but there again if my wife had done it, she would have told me in the beginning so I wuld know.
I think you should re evaluate your situation and decide if you can stay in this marriage or not. If not do not let the fear of not supporting yourself keep you an a marriage you cannot deal with. the salvation Army shuld be able to help you and other organizations.
It sounds to me that it is possibly he could be abusive but only you can say for sure. If you know he is not violent and will not then the only choice you have is to submit to his authority and become the model wife his culture demands. If you cannot do this then run as fast as you can.
BB