Question by Jonas Girl: ****10 pts best answer Never met my “Grandpa”?
Okay, bear with me here. This is going to be a lot of info but I want you all to understand where I am coming from.
So, here it goes. My mom’s dad just recently found me on facebook. He sent me a message and also a friend request. He sounded really sincere in his message when he said that he’d “love to get an email or something from me.”He also contacted my mom via facebook. My mom hasn’t seen him for about 30 years and told him that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. The reason being, he beat up my grandma (her mom) and did some other bad things to her. He later left them when my mom was about 16. I really was attached to my grandma (his wife)who died when I was 9. She was the kind of grandma who spoiled me tons! I really loved her and miss her. I am 18 now, so the memories of her are starting to fade. Anyway, my question is: Should I contact him / message him back?
He hasn’t really made an effort to communicate with me (that I know of) so I am kind of curious now why he wants to get to know me. My mom still continues to ignore him. I told her about him contacting me and she said “you’re an adult now so you can make your own decision. if you want to talk to him thats fine, just be cautious.” I really think deep down inside she doesnt want me to talk to him, but i appreciate the fact that she gave me the choice. Another factor is that my other grandpa died before I was even born. So, I have gone my whole life without having a grandpa – I just want to know what its like – all throughout gradeschool I had to hear the other kids talking about their grandpas and all the fun stuff they get to do – so i think, now is my chance. but on the other hand i think, i have gone 18 years without a grandpa, i can make it through life without one. i think everyone should get a chance, and i keep thinking – its been 30 years, he might have changed. but i also keep thinking of what he did to my grandma.
when he contacted me he originally wanted our address so he could send my mom a birthday card. my mom got really serious and said “you didnt give it to him did you?” i didnt but this reinforces my ideas that deep inside she doesnt want me to talk to him.
Should I cantact him? If so, what should I say? I don’t want to be rude, but I want to know why he cares now. My mom also said to keep eveyone else out of it, so, where’s the line for sharing info about the other family members?
Also, he lives in another state. I don’t think hes like trying to track us down and be a stalker or something.
for clarification i dont think he abused my mom i think it was just my grandma. thats what my mom tells me at least
also, i am the type of person that sees family as people who are there for you in your life whether or not they are blood relatives.
wow you guys all gave great answers! i definitely took a component into consideration from each answer. i definatley think he might be lonely. i agree with the statement “you dont need anything if its not the right kind”. i agree that everything shoud be kept on facebook. i agree that if he asks about my family i should just tell him to ask them himself. i got some great advice! thank you to everyone! i really wish i could give you all 10 points!
Best answer:
Answer by ashweelauwen
well, let me just tell you that i’m sorry that your going through that because something like this happened too me. my mom didn’t talk to me for a whole year when i was 15 and on my 16th birthday she called me and i forgave her and moved back in with her thinking she changed her old ways, but i now regret it completly because she didn’t change one bit. i don’t know your grandpa so i can’t say much, but hopefully you don’t end up getting hurt like i did. if you do decide to talk to him, and he asks about your family just say “if they want to tell you, they can theirselves.” it’s not being rude. i wish the best of luck to you on whatever you end up doing. hope i helped any. <3 (:
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This is a serious question that will require a lot more than a Yahoo Answer but, as you said, advice couldn’t hurt.
Coming from the perspective of someone who’s been abused both physically and other ways I can definitely relate with your mother. If what you said is true and he really did do those things to your grandmother and especially your mother then what she’s feeling is revulsion and fear. I’m sure she never got over what he did and with that kind of a history between them she’s naturally worried about any relationship he might have with you. This is all very understandable. What makes it a difficult situation is whether or not he’s changed. Since you never knew him this will be hard to determine. He’s probably a very good liar (abusers usually are) and could dismiss his past as either exaggerated or something he’s been remorseful about since he left your grandmother. If you can get over what he did to your mom and if you want a grandfather badly then my suggestion to you would be to test the waters. A great thing about Facebook is that you don’t have to be friends with someone to message them. Start up a conversation with him if you’d like. Send him a message, see how he responds. If he sounds genuine and if you feel more and more comfortable with him, add him as a friend. You can make it so he’s put on a limited profile. He won’t be able to see what you’re doing or who you’re talking to and this will protect others who wouldn’t want him contacting them. But if he ever crosses a line or does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, block him. Your mother will naturally be worried so let her know that, even though you’re talking to him, you aren’t disclosing any personal information about her and that you realize what he’s capable of. Let her know that you’re a strong and responsible adult who will do the right thing no matter what.
Good luck in everything!
well, i see the dilemma here. i mean, i dont really know… you loved your grandma and as they say, who you dont need a grandpa if he’s gonna be that way…. maybe he has changed and you want to give him another chance. but you have to think to yourself, for example “would i want a friend that was rude and mean?” probably not. its the same thing. you dont need a grandpa IF he is like that. you have to see if this is really important for you, because i dont think it’s worth it, but it does’t matter what i think, it matters what YOU think and feel. follow your heart….
BUT you dont need anything if its not the right kind. always remember that!
Your relationship with people within your family (even despite the terrible choices he made concerning your grandma) are, in my opinion, important. However, so is your safety and the strength of more current family.
If you’re still living at home with your mom, I strongly suggest leaving grandpa on facebook. Your mom probably has more personal experiences with your grandpa than you do, and she may have reasons to why she doesn’t want him in his life anymore. Keep it casual, and if your grandpa has changed, you can grow to know more about him. Respect your mom’s feelings toward him, and keep it just between you two.
Bottom line: Keep it on facebook. Keep your responses informative and about you. Do what your mom says, seeing as grandpa is her dad.
hes probably a lonely guy. and just wants to get to know your and your mom. your mom does know him better. but you do have the right to see for yourself, he is your flesh and blood. so shoot him an email, if you want.
some people can change. but you should always be cautious cause some people dont.
hi jonas girl…!
nice meeting you..
I think you must not because as you wrote your grandpa had beaten your grandma and you loved her the most….! i think you must not because A man who beats his wife is not a good man..your mother hates him because he beats your mother’s mother…And your grandpa wants to make a relationship with you so that he can connect with your mom….but i bet your mom doesn’t want to…in fact no daughter feels happy when her mother is beaten….when you will be close to your grand pa many bad things may happen…
now you might be thinking i am discouraging you…read this incident of my friend:
the same thing happened with her what that happened with you and she came closer to her grandpa…slowly her grandpa told his past and due to many incidents she became against her mother…..no daughter will ever wish that her daughter is with a wrong person and so your mother is ignoring…
well left is with you…!
best of luck..!
i hope things go write…!
Oh wow that’s so sad :[
I've never had a grandpa, i only
have 1 grandmother.. I think what i would
do is ask him why he's contacting me now.
And talk to him about what he did to my grandmother..
I'm not really sure what i'd do. Just do what
you feel in your heart to do..
Hope i helped :]