Question by Alicia Arol: Does anybody out there in the “abyss” like this poem I wrote 17 months ago?
For Now… (NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH)
For Now
For now
I’ll just hold him
Feel my warmth enfold around him
Not think about what I know has to be
It’s not that I don’t love him
It’s that something comes above him
And that something is crying out to me
I feel it swimming in me
This pent up creativity
Screaming so loud to be heard
If I remain in this trance
Just to stay in this romance
I won’t be allowed to speak one word
I’ve always been haunted by
Things I’ve always wanted I
Know that the price is high
But It can’t be any other way
You can’t put me in a box
Hold me down with chains and locks
Then sit back and watch
While I suffocate
The madness that breathes in me
Could come out so easily
My struggle is just to exist
Please keep me in your heart
When you know that I might fall apart
I never asked for any of this
It just is what is
I don’t have any choice
I must let them hear my voice
This goes beyond you and I
I wanted you to come with me
Feel the magic and be set free
But you choose to shrivel up and die
I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I don’t know why
The drive and the need
Have planted their seed
They need to be freed
Need to be believed
I never wanted normal things
I cringe when I hear a child screaming
Want to hop back in my bed
Continue dreaming
The only man who will want to be with me
Is one who is able to see
The wizard has the curtain closed
It’s not what I would have chose
To be so aware of the absurdity
Maybe there is no hope for me
when I know what I can’t be
I can’t be normative
Can only try to live
In this strange world I’ll never understand
And way down deep inside
In that place I try to hide
I’ll pray to a God that has never heard me
Pray for a love to come and save me
Knowing all the time
I’m just wasting my time
I’m just losing my mind
Cause no one’s gonna care that much
Or dare love one so out of touch
With reality
I’ll just be lonely
I’ll just be lonely
I’ll just be lonely
You’re all lost in your drama
You’ve put on all your Armour
While I lay myself naked before you
I feel death’s constant presence
So I am left defenseless
This is just something I am forced to do
Knowing the price for me
You’ll whisper “Oh she’s crazy”
and go on with your little lives
Or else you’ll put me down
wish I was not around
To force you to open up your eyes
Can I get just one of you to understand
I’m losing the love of my life
I can’t close the veil
On everything I feel
I can’t be a mother wife
I can barely breathe most of the time
And my smile
is not really mine
If I smile enough
will you give me the love
That might keep me sane
In this torturous game
Where nothing is ever enough?
by L.A.P. 8/17/08
***On November 4, 2008 CAL BABY made the decision that ALICIA DOLL had been ambivalent about making. He broke her heart in a callous act of unintentional, drunken rage, & then broke up with her the next day..
I just composed this 2 minutes ago: He was not “the love of my life” (by the way). He just had me “whipped” for nearly 8 lost years of my life…
It wasn’t all bad
because very little is
I still find joy when I look back
to when I longed for his kiss
Before I had to always say
just about every single day
has it really come to this?
And what he did to me the last 2 years
still taints all the good memories
that I have of us
I’m sorry but it does
Makes me wish the life I had with him
never happened-never was…
by L.A.P. 1/21/10
Best answer:
Answer by Brother Worm
I love it. Thanks for sharing it, a piece of you. I am inspired in many ways. Until the day when I find love outside, somewhere there is, in the world, I am aligned with you. Your struggle, I feel.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
