Question by Rachel: How do I get the spark back into my relationship before he cheats or leaves?
My boyfriend and I have been together over 2years and we just had our first child, our son in may. It was a rough pregnancy physically and I also had to have a csection, so it was a miserable 41 weeks for us. I am still madly in love with him and he says that he still loves me. I am back to my prebaby weight, with the exception of a slightly bigger butt, which doesn’t bother me, and he always liked my butt before n likes bigger butts, so I know that the extra weight in my backside is not a turn off to him. The problem is; we have been learning to adjust to parenthood and we just moved to a new home this month… these things are stressful, but that’s no reason for us to not feel passionate about one another. We have gradually began to focus on one another’s physical needs, but I feel as though something isn’t right. I feel like he isn’t IN LOVE with me. I know that he loves me, but in love? I’m not so sure. I’m not sure if it’s stress or the fact that the pregnancy was too much for our relationship to withstand, because we did argue a lot, and admittedly, it was mainly my hormones causing it. From a man’s perspective; knowing that we still have some passion and love that is left; can it be completely salvaged? And if so, what are some steps you think I can take to help save this relationship? Because honestly, I am extremely unhappy and I feel unwanted and unloved; I feel like all I am is a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE my son and I wouldn’t trade him to have the relationship back to normal with his father, but I want to feel like, not only am I a mother; I want to feel that I am also beautiful and desireable and that I am his girlfriend and as he tells me “future wife” I need a man’s perspective please, because a man will know what a man needs to get back into the swing of a relationshipwhen it hits a rocky time. I will take any advice I can get if any women out there have been through the same thing and overcame it. Sorry if this is jumbled and makes no sense. If you need me to specify more, please let me know, because I want to be as clear as possible, so I can get the best advice. Thank you and please.. only serious answers; I’m not in the mood for smart mouth internet thugs who want to mock other people’s problems. Thanks
I appreciate the answers so far and some have been really helpful. To add some more details to help answer my question better; I do dress up, I still do my hair, makeup and wear nice clothes every single day. I wear outfits still for him to spice it up. The pregnancy was not planned, but when I was terrified with finding out I was pregnant; he was excited and he loves being a father. Ibtry to communicate with him a lot and he just says it’s stress, for instancenwith money;but we both got better jobs, plus
he recently inherited $ 100k, so once the money wasn’t an issue, it was getting ready to move; now that we’ve moved and we are settled, he says it’s because he hasn’t been working out since we had our son, but I always tell him he can go work out; we have access to a free gym our complex, plus we have equipment if he doesn’t want to hit the gym. It seems like he would rather play video games or go to casinos than spend time with me. I’m fun; I make him laugh ect, I’m confused
Best answer:
Answer by Angel
Right now your hormones will be all over the place as they take a while to settle back. It took me about 8 or 9 months to return to normal after my son was born. Also, he is a new father and feels, like you he has the extra responsibility of well, being a repsonsible parent. So he will be trying hard to show you how much he loves you for giving him his son. He may also think that you are too tired or won’t be in the mood. He will still be in love with you, you both just need to change your efforts in your relationship as you both have new priorities. Have your son looked after for a night, go out, date him again. Dress up. While you are out, try not to talk about your child with each other, just get to know each other again. Maybe even at the end of the day, put your feet up on the couch in his legs and ask him to rub them for you, ask him for a nice sensual massage, get him to run a bath for you, even have one together . He will want to do these things to please you as you have given him a wonderful gift. He will also them rememeber tat as well as being a mother, that you are a sexual woman. Really hope this helps x
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You sound a little depressed and that also is a side effect of having a baby. Go to your Dr. and tell him of these feelings, you may be getting the Baby Blues, which can become very serious if not treated. It isn’t your boyfriend that isn’t in love with you, it is your way of thinking. I had five children and had to work real hard not to get depressed after each one. So don’t make a mountain out of mole hill, that is what usually happens, but part of the hormone problem. He does love you, you don’t think he should, so go get the help asap.
It sounds like it’s time to take a break for just you two. Ask for a family member to help babysit or a friend. Take a long date and have fun with each other. Being new parents is hard on anyone. If he says he loves you, he does. If you are worried he is not in love with you, don’t worry he is. I say this with confidence because I have seen many couples go through this and I have been through it myself. Give him a break to get out of the house by himself and ask him to do the same for you. When you are alone with your child, it makes you appreciate the child more and also has a person missing their partner. So when the partner gets home, they have a deep appreciation for each other. BTW, it might be nice to pamper yourself, get a hair cut, color your hair, get a new outfit, or something like that. If you feel good, others will feel good around you.
Give each other massages, that helps to relax you both.
When you know your child is sleeping for a good couple hours, dress up for your husband and make him realize why he picked you!
If you are close enough to have a child together, then you are close enough to communicate your problems to each other. Talk to him. He just may see you differently now. If that is the case, show him how sexy you can be. You also will need some time alone to mend from the stress, so ask mom or his mom to watch the baby, so that you can have some alone time. He may also be jealous of the baby. A lot of men love their children, but are jealous of the attention that the baby gets, and feel neglected themselves. The whole extra responsibility of taking care of you AND a baby may be scary for him. It depends on the guy, so you will need to talk to him and make him communicate his feelings and needs to you, and also communicate yours to him. Feelings need to be share between couples in order for as successful relationship to develop.
aww, i think your stressing for nothing, ive had 4 kids, and married for 16, with no affairs, even tho marriage and relationships change, doesnt mean he will cheat
if cheating was in him he will do it either way, xo
“In love” is a temporary thing at the start of a relationship, it doesnt last forever, normally fades after 2 years, which is how long you guys have been together.
It sounds to me as if you are having trouble adjusting to your new role as a mother, motherhood is very demanding and you can lose sight of yourself and your own needs very easily. Becoming a parent and moving home are two of the most stressful things a person can do, I think you should see a doctor to assess whether or not you may be depressed, post-natal depression is very common and can be treated.
Make sure you find a babysitter so you and your partner can get out together on dates, and you can dress up and feel attractive again. It takes time to adjust to life as a parent and to love the new body you now have, but you can get there. Take exercise regularly, especially outdoors, it really helps to lift your mood.
From a man’s perspective . . . and to be brutally honest . . . was the whole ‘family thing’ planned? Just because you got pregnant and had a child together, was that what the two of you planned, or are you a couple today BECAUSE you had a child together? The relationship will never go back to normal if he feels any resentment to things not being as he had planned. Hard to salvage a relationship if one party is not fully invested. This may not be where he wanted to be in life and he’s not happy. May sound selfish, but he may not be able to get past the fact you are now parents, no longer just a couple.
get married!
You’ll be like newleyweds… only with a kid.
Alot of times after giving birth a woman becomes obsessed with the baby. Of course a new child needs alot of time and attention but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your man. Just like you have a need to feel desired he also has to feel needed. Women forget this very easily. Do you ask and honor his opinion when making decisions? Maybe take some time and make his lunch for work. Try to treat him the way you did before the kid came along. Make sure he knows you appreciate him. If he’s spending alot of time on his own it sounds like he’s feeling left out. Hope this helps. Good luck.