Question by spicey24: Kind of long but girl here in need of serious guy advice – please read and help!!!?
Long story but PLEASE read and help me – in need of serious help and advice?
My relationship w/this guy is very hard to explain and too long for any of you to read. I will try to make it as short as I can, in January of this year I went on a trip w/my best friend, her husband, her brother and my boyfriend.
I have known her brother for a few years but only casually because when we first met he was married and always thought he was a funny guy but that was it. While we were on this trip we went to a club and my best friends brother “James” and I danced together and that was it sparks flew and since that day we have talked on the phone, hung out and texts daily 11 months later now – yes, I am a bad person, I am still with my boyfriend however I don’t know what to do because I do care for him and don’t want to hurt him I think “James” has been okay with this because prior to our January trip he had recently separated with his wife, I think I am the first girl he has connected with so closely since his x-wife (she left him). Anyhow, lately things have been weird between us (he has told me many times he loves me more than I know if only there was something he could do but I am taken, that his self and his time are for me and that I am always in his heart these things were even said less than 2 weeks ago) He has talked about him and I being together, that he could have me every night, tuck me in at night and cook me my favorite foods, he does still love his X I know that but he has said he feels there is just too much hurt they have done to each other for it to work.
ANYWAY it’s been the longest we have went without talking so tonight we talked and he said the following this of which was via text cause I couldn’t talk on the phone…what do you make of his comments…here is how our conversation went:
Me: sorry missed your call – how are you, haven’t talked to you in awhile anything new?
Him: not really what’s up with you
Me: nothing new, just working getting ready for the holidays, you said something happened this weekend is everything ok?
Him: Yea, everything ok with you?
Me: yeah I’m good, I don’t hear from u much which is ok I know u r busy, I just miss u a little
Him: Well me too I am kind of seeing this girl but not really I am not ready for anything to be honest doesn’t feel right for some reason
Me: well guess it’s good u r dating, y u think it doesn’t feel right, cause you are not ready to move on from your x-wife? and who is the new girl?
Him: Well I’m not dating but she is an old friend, she is nice but in a way woman they don’t feel right now p.s. don’t worry i’m not gay.
Me: wow, i am worried, you say woman don’t feel right ? lol just kidding well sometimes a person just needs time for themselves plus u have boys to focus on and the holidays OH also did you want to hang out Friday w/me & “tom” (my boyfriend since January)
Him: Im not sure please understand I will let you know ok.
Me: Ok, I’m sorry James. And sorry if I had expectations of u that weren’t fair to u considering the situation i never meant to do that in the end I just care and hope to be your friend ok
Him: But u are and always will ok
Me: Ok, thanks. Have a nice night, hope your boys are good and you guys have a great holiday.
If women don’t feel right, how did I feel right for so long as 11 months? I mean I guess I just don’t know what to think, is he including me in the women or what is he saying?
Today I sent him a casual message and he said “hey its great to hear from you” even though we just talk yesterday.I would rather he explain everything to me however since he wont contact me I ask of all of you….how would you take his comments in our conversation either A. he is trying to say with the comments “women don’t feel right now” that I don’t feel right anymore and he has moved on because later when I ask to hang out he says “please understand” understand what? OR B. he is trying to say women don’t feel right due to what we had and he is trying to move on but it’s hard and he would rather have no communication to move on OR what do you think? I have racked my brain and wish he would just tell me so I know…
SOO please help me and try to be nice I know I am being bad to my current man but this is sooooo hard and I don’t know what to think or feel of any of this.
PS me and James have been intimate which makes this all the more complicated and hard.
Best answer:
Answer by b0rnbad
It sounds to me like he’s saying that “other” women don’t feel right to him. I think he’s in love with you. Then again, he may still be hurting over his breakup. I think you may need to lay it on the line to one guy or the other…. You should either break up with Tom, or tell James not to contact you anymore until he’s better…. he’ll know when he is.
I know that’s sucky advice, but it’s true.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
I know everyone hates these kinds of answers (myself included) but good luck in trying to get someone to actually genuinely answer your question! Try making it shorter!
sorry but there is no way a guy is going to read all of that, summarize honey, you should’ve learned about it in english class.
You’re not being bad to your current man, you’ve cheated on him. There’s a bit of a difference. And it always catches up to you in the end. Someway, somehow, he’ll find out, and it’ll be worse now than if it had come to aire much earlier. But that’s the lesser issue here. As far as this James goes, if you don’t understand what a rebound is you might be too young to be going through all this. The man’s wife left him and he was looking for comfort, and you just happened to be there for him to lean on when he needed someone to help him ease back into a single lifestyle. These things almost never work out romantically, just physically for awhile, and while for the man this usually develops a stronger bond with that person he leaned on, women usually get too caught up in the sudden romanticism and hope too heavily that things will work between them. Very rarely does a rebound turn into a serious and long lasting, furthermore, healthy relationship. It sounds to me like right now he just needs some time and space to get his head straight, and asking him to hang out with you and your boyfriend after the things you’ve been through is actually quite rude to him. You’re making things more complicated and being over-analytical about them. Step back, stop worrying about what could have been, what might or might not be, and give this guy the space he needs to sort his life out. Worry more about working out the issues with your current boyfriend, and hopefully for his sake to be fair to him, end that relationship. If this “James” wants to be with you, then when he’s ready, he’ll come to you. Straight forward and honestly. Even though he has been hurt and for the rest of his life will probably have a bit of fear of being hurt again (which to me it sounds like that’s what attracted him to you, is the fact that to be with him you had to hurt your boyfriend, and he’s seeking that behavior in his choice of women for whatever reason). There’s far too many factors here to consider every last possibility but I hope what I’ve cared to type so far (I could go into volumes on this question alone) has helped clarify things for you just a bit.