Question by daydream_galaxy: Mother in law and husband’s ex wife probs, HELP?
My fiance has yet to get his divorce final and it will be final in about a week. He ahs 3 kids, and their mother didnt even fight a bit for them when he left her. They are ages 12, 11, and 8. The 12 yr old actually isnt even related, but he doesnt know that my fiance is not his father. The kid’s mother called tonight, like she does every other week or so and I didnt know who it was on the phone, she of course got pissy. After the mother talked to her kids, the future mother in law called me back and called me all kinds of names, and that they would never be my kids, so on and so forth, The kid’s mother had a baby and moved to florida to stay with the future mother in law, she seems to want nothing to do with them. It hurts the kids and I love them dearly, Now my fiance is trying to talk it all away, saying that “he knows how to deal with them” and that “all she wanted was a rise out of me” just explaining it all away, it makes me so angry!! He is all cool and calm about this. I want to have a fight with him honestly, so that he will really say what is on his mind. I need some help with how to deal with this. I just am so tired of those kids being so confused and asking me if their mother has forgotten them. What do I do?
Best answer:
Answer by Hmmmm…..
First, it sounds like you and your fiance need counseling. He shouldn’t blow you off like that. Second, he needs to man up and tell his mom to stay out of his personal business. Lastly, be there for the kids, they need a good female role model, obviously their mother isn’t one.
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You talk to your fiance. He has to tell those kids the truth. Your going to be the replacement mom and they know that you care. As for the mother in law, you should have told her to never call the house again and hung up on her when you realized what she was saying. Just let it go. Sounds like neither one of them really care. If grandma wants to see the kids you need to have STRICT guidelines because everything she sees and hears is going to be reported to the daughter. Other than that just blow her off, shes a bear trying to protect her cub.
First, don’t pick fights with your fiance – he’s your best ally in all this. What you need to do is calmly tell him you were hurt by his mother’s harsh words, and need him to stick up for you. Perhaps he didn’t call his mother back and yell at her, because that’s the reaction she wants. If he’s staying calm, try following his lead. I know it’s frustrating, but there’s no point in provoking him into an argument, because that’s exactly the kind of reaction his mother would want.
Second, don’t let the MIL get under your skin. Who knows what her motivation was, but she seems to want to make trouble for your relationship. Next time she gets nasty with you, tell her you don’t want to be spoken to like that. If she persists, hang up the phone. There’s no reason you have to listen, just because she wants to yell. If you’re consistent, and always tell her you want to be treated with respect, eventually, she’ll learn you can’t be goaded into losing your temper. If you’re not losing your temper, you won’t be fun to pick on, and she’ll move on to a new target.
Third, those kids will need you. Perhaps not as a ‘mother’, since they all have one (even if she isn’t the best one), but definitely as a stable, loving adult, that cares for them. Be a good role model for them, care for them like you would your own kids, and always encourage them. If they ask about their mother, answer their questions honestly – tell them their mom has some grown up problems to work out.
Ok..good luck with this situation lol.. His mother needs to stay out of it all together , and your husband should be putting his foot down where she is concerned telling her to butt out.. i dont get how the kids are confused and asking if their mother has forgotten them u said your self that she calles every other week or so.. so its not like she’s fallen off the face of the earth and doesnt have anything to do with them at all.. and if their confused it may be because mommy and daddy are still married yet dad’s already engaged to someone else.. nonetheless… when it comes to the x wife, or the mother in law your best bet is to kill with kindness.. and when they start cussing and hollering over the phone.. simply say calmly “when you can be civil call back until then good bye” and hang up the phone until they can speak like grown adults.. after a few times of getting hung up on they’ll get the hint that if they want to get anywhere with u they have to talk civily but , id put off the wedding for awhile.. its hard to be 3rd wheel in a situation and ur already feeling overwhelmed by the situation and your soon to be isnt exactly handling things the way u want him to.. and u need to get ur role in the household straight and be on the same page, as a united front not only to the kids, to the x wife and the mother in law before u take the plunge and get married.. because a wedding ring doesnt fix these problems..and u’ll only resent him, and his kids down the road if u both dont get on the same page prior to getting married..