Question by Ed: My wife and I have been separated for 3 days, now she’s changed her mind?
Hi… I don’t get this. My wife and I have two children, and my wife and I fight all the time. She is very verbally abusive to me, and that is how she’s grown up. He family is a group of takers that will take anything from the Government to whatever. 3 days ago, my wife called me “a useless piece of sh*t”, and told me to get out of the house. She has said this before, but this time… I left. I told her over the phone that I can’t take the way she treats me. Now, she “realized” she can’t pay the bills, and has to have her grandma watch the kids, and her parents who are druggies. Suddenly three days later, she tells me she’s thought about things and she’s “realized” that she can’t act that way and wants me to move back soon… I’m not so sure I can do that. Personally I think it would take months before I knew she meant what she said,
Do you guys think I should go back? I mean I want to for the kids, but to start all that again, and I hate to have moved out just to move back in. what a good amount of time to wait?
Thanks!
any input?
Best answer:
Answer by letterstoheather
If you go back, realize that nothing is going to be different after a few days go by… your wife won’t change or get help until she’s ready. You can’t fix her. and it sounds like she’s a mess.
No, i don’t think you ought to return to that sort of misery, unless you look like a doormat.
A good amount of time to wait? Give her conditions – if she gets help and you can see an obvious change in a year or so, you will consider returning.
That’s what i’d do. People don’t change overnight, or even in a week. It takes time, work and effort.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Well i would wait as long as it took for her to prove she is sincere about her promise. She is obviously still only worrying about herself due to the bills and the kids. I’m not sure I would EVER go back.
Just remember, it doesn’t take the two of you being together to be good parents to your children. But it does take her being supportive, loving and caring to be a good wife for you.
Are you sure she can be that?
Going back “just for the kids” is NOT a good thing to do. I left my abusive husband after 17 years of marriage and it was the best thing for my kid and I. However, I was no longer in love with him and did not have it in me anymore to try to make it work.
That being said. Are you IN LOVE with your wife. I don’t mean have feeling for her, love her or care for her. I mean IN LOVE, the type of IN LOVE that made you want to marry her in the first place. If you are still in love with her and have it in your heart to try to make it work, then yes. Try to make it work.
Don’t go back to her now. She is running scared. Stay separated, but suggest family counseling. Tell her you love her and want to do right by her and that you feel that BOTH of you can do things better. Say both so she is not put on the defensive and think that you are saying she is the problem You BOTH have communication issue and you want someone from the outside to you both learn how to communicate in better ways. This would be best for the BOTH of you and the kdis.
If she is still IN LOVE with you, she will go for this. Also, whether the 2 of you are together or not, you still have a responsibility financially to those kids. You need to pay child support and make sure they have some safe place to go. If you were the one to watch the kids living there, you still need to do that. If you paid part of the child care bill, you still need to do that.
I think you should have her sign an agreement as to what she can and must do. Then give her another chance.
I wouldn’t and i would ask the courts for custody of the kids.
Sopunds to me like she needs you. Do you help out around the house? That brings alot of stress on a wife if her hubby isn’t helping out. I think maybe you both could work this out and be in love like the firt time. You should live your life. I have this saying you should tell her. ” being mad all the time don’t do any good in life but being loved does.”
No, don’t go back just yet. She needs to suffer a bit longer, and really know what it’s like to miss you! Be cool, don’t do anything stupid. In a week or two, she’ll be pullin’ her hair out. Do ya think YOU can last a week or two? When you’re ready, don’t say you’re coming back, but rather give her the “We need to talk” bit……And don’t just talk but COMMUNICATE how & what you’re feeling/thinking. If ya need help doing that, consider counseling. You need to make it clear, there will be NO more verbal abuse! That’s just not acceptable.
I do agree with your first answer, it has taken a lot of courage to move out in the first place. It is never easy to leave. I do think that it is possible that she has “realized” what she has lost and think that, you need to really enforce how you will not take the abuse anymore. It might be a good idea to go for counselling first even if it is by yourself if she does not want to attend to get your head cleared, before and if you decide to go back. Also we as parents all ways do everything for the sake of the kids, you need to look after yourself first before you look after them, so they can have a stable dad and you can support and encourage them in the right way. Looking after ourselves first and getting the help we need is not selfish but the right theing to do. If you need to chat please feel free to email me. Good Luck!
Wow, I’m sorry your children are going through this issue, but I do not feel that your wife is ready for you. It took years for this turmoil to build up in her, 3 days will not be enough to break her. Maybe you guys need to go to counseling or get a mediator, someone to keep her quiet while you tell her how you feel the family is falling apart. Good luck.
Obviously your wife didn’t put much thought into what she said. She should have thought about that possibility before she spouted off for the “umpteenth time.” It might be easier on your kids if you moved back in but that’s not a good enough reason to go back to your wife who doesn’t respect you. Just imagine what your kids are going to have to endure if you leave for good and leave them behind. But there has to be a better “fish in the sea” than the present woman that you are married to. Considering how verbally abusive your wife is I would say its time to divorce her and to ask for sole custody of those children and request supervised visitation when they go to see their mom. It’s been my past experience that people who are verbally abuse don’t get any better… they only get worse. Thank God my husband and I have good sense and we aren’t anything like that. We’ve known people who are like your wife and even worse than that.
Sounds like she’s run out of money and wants more of yours.
stay away for a longer amount of time, and test her by cutting all contact with he and see what happens.if she learns her lesson&comes back u were meant 2be if u last, if not then nothing would have changed and u were just smart enough 2realise that sooner then later and have had th chance 2start getting ur life back together again.
I would leave her because she is using you just for the money. If she truly loved you, she respect you and let you be the head of the house. She reminds me of my ex. My ex convinced me that money instead of family comes first. I wouldn’t have no druggie in-laws. Make sure you file for the kids since they are druggies. You have an advantage right there. I wish you the best.
Unless you like her abuse, absolutely not! She will just use you for money!
Don’t move back, nothing will have changed. However you cannot place all the blame on your wife…..YOU married her, don’t tell us you did not know what she was like, you knew her parents were druggies, you had plenty of time to see how the family interacted, yet you went ahead and married her. I suggest you both go to Counseling, let a pro decide if your marriage can be saved. While this is happening, keep a close relationship with your children, file for at least Joint Custody, Get Court Ordered Visitation, and most important be sure you are supporting your children financially…..Do Not punish them for the mistakes you and your wife have made, they are YOUR children and deserve to be fed, clothed and provided for. Keep records of all financial support, if you end up in Divorce Court and fighting over the kids, your financial support will look very good to any Judge and shows you truly care.