Question by Mr. 74: How do I get my wife more motivated to do things around the house?
We have 2 kids, ages 2.5 and 1, who keep us busy. We both work in a hospital, but aren’t completely overwhelmed by our work. The “agreement” we had when we only had one child was that I cook dinner (which I prefer to do the cooking) and she will clean up (ie wash dishes, clean up counters and floor). I usually clean up my messes while cooking, so she isn’t left with a huge mess. Since baby #2 came, she uses him as an excuse to not do anything, claiming “baby won’t let me”, “he needs to breastfeed” or he’ll cry if i put him down. Now he’s 1 and plays with his older brother enough to allow time to get stuff done. We have things tough financially, and this bums her out as well. But the lack of motivation on her end is really putting a strain on our household. I try telling her that having a clean home may help her feel better about our fincancial situation, but that doesn’t work. It is quite a chore to keep picking up after our boys, but it needs to be done. I can’t do it alone anymore!
Some good answers so far. I do think she’s depressed as well. Another factor I did not previously state is that her mother basically made the choice to continue living with a man that is a convicted molester and a cheater. When my wife and her siblings confronted her after her mother caught him cheating, she said she loved him regardless and will continue to stay with him, even if it means they go their seperate ways. This has been really hard on her as well. I’ve recommened counseling, even offered to do it along with her, but she doesn’t want to do it. I can’t force her, and I’m not about making ultimatums. I just want the best for my kids and raise them in an enviroment that doesn’t reflect our struggles. When things get bad, the mess gets worse.
Best answer:
Answer by boston_based_guy
so need a stronger pimp hand.
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Sit down and have a pow-wow with her! She should be doing the chores,but why isn’t she? ASK HER!!!
The more you put this off–the worse it will get…
Understand that this struggle is temporary, and your wife has reached her limit. So you might have more energy than her, but don’t expect her to keep up or try to force this on her.
all you can do is be 100% responsible for yourself, so step up if you can and support her…and if you can’t then leave the mess…kids are constantly messy, it is a short period of time.
Another solution is to take control of your budget and cut back on such things as convenience food, and credit cards, and extras so that you have soem cash flow again and can get a sitter for a night out, or a maid to come in and clean. You can also ask family to help.
Be creative. It is more constructive than blaming the other person.
it takes alot out of a mom to breastfeed, period…and she is depressed as well with the financial troubles…step up to the plate and just clean for awhile. I am a working mother and get home at 3 and my husband gets home about 4:30 and I am the one who cleans and cooks…Sure it gets old and tiring and the other does nothing. Every once in awhile he will step up to clean the dishes. But I am not here asking how to get him motivated. Sorry there are no rules on housecleaning and who does what, everyone assumes the woman does it and that’s it. Sit down with her and ask what you can do to help out, and see what she says, she might see a whole different picture than what you are painting. Communication is needed here big time between you two, before it all falls apart. You are having a stressful time with children and financial burdens as well, lets not fall apart over housecleaning…talk to her and find out what she is feeling, and let her vent some as well.
IF SHE CAN DO HER PART AS IN UR AGREEMENT THEN SHE DON’T EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like she might be depressed. Some women dont get post natal depression straight away. I know you say you had an agreement, but there needs to be flexibility in that for when one of you isnt well or is more tired than usual. It is tiring having a baby, especially if she breast feeding. Please cut her some slack. It wont help her if your are pressuring her. And I hate to say it, but you are feeling what women have felt for years and years. It is hardwork looking after kids and working and doing housework. try encouraging her to go to the doctors. That will be more help than you saying having a clean house might help her feel better!!!!! If she does have post natal or something like that, the house being clean will be the last thing on her mind!!!
Sounds like she may be feeling depressed. You two may need to find a babysitter (a friend or a sibling or a neighbor) for a couple of hours one night / weekend and go out to dinner and talk. I think it’ll help to get her out of her blues. If dinner is too much then pack a picnic or go get a cup of coffee. The main thing is to get out of the house for just the two of you.
I’ve been there before and I remember it was SO hard to shake the blues so I am sorry to hear your situation. I wasn’t happy with my life or our financial situation. It took some marriage counseling and for us to reconnect and start to daydream about our goals in life again before I bounced back. You may want to give it a try – having two young kids and feeling strapped can’t be easy.
Hang in there. Good luck.
It sounds like she is depressed, maybe you can get her some counseling or something. Good luck
Understand that this struggle is temporary, and your wife has reached her limit. So you might have more energy than her, but don’t expect her to keep up or try to force this on her.
all you can do is be 100% responsible for yourself, so step up if you can and support her…and if you can’t then leave the mess…kids are constantly messy, it is a short period of time.
Another solution is to take control of your budget and cut back on such things as convenience food, and credit cards, and extras so that you have soem cash flow again and can get a sitter for a night out, or a maid to come in and clean. You can also ask family to help.
Be creative. It is more constructive than blaming the other person.
You may suggest having someone come and clean your house once a week. They are not that expensive and it takes the strain of everyone. As far as the cooking your plan is a great one and if she is using the child to get out of it that is simply lazy. You need to put children down and let them cry once in awhile its good for them and then they wont turn into those kids that demand you do everything for them and do it right now. I am a single mother with two kids and it gets difficult to keep up with things but I do. I also work full time at a hospital so my time is also limited but I do manage to keep a clean house and take care of the children on top of that. It just a matter of doing it and not getting lazy