Question by Bryan Salvador: Pregnant Wife and Mom Dilemma?
I am in my mid 20s. I work at the airport that’s about an hour and a half commute back and forth. When I get home I am exhausted. My wife is expecting our first child and my mom got knocked up by some guy, she hardly knew, at a bar. They both call me constantly at work for trivial matters because I’m guessing they crave attention. My wife is on maternity leave and my mom is on disability so they are both homebound but they don’t reside in the same house, thank goodness. Whenever I come home fom work, I feel like my job isn’t done. I have to run errands and do chores for my wife and mom. If I do not visit my mom every week, she gets upset. Wife and mom don’t get along and so mom thinks my wife is a threat to her. I have to cater to 2 pregnant women. I do not get a break. I only get 4 hours of sleep a night, sometimes I sleep in my car just to get a moment to myself. I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack from stress. I haven’t hung out with my buddies for a long time, they keep trying to call and ask me when I’m gonna meet up with them to play pool or go bowling but I constantly have to reject their invitation. I feel I may not have any friends left because they may get tired of my constant excuses to not hang out. I love my mom, she had me when she was very young, being a single mom, she raised me on her own and put me through school, I was her only child, until she got pregnant recently. She would put guilt trips on me that I “left” her so she still hasn’t let me go even after I’m married. What do I do? I’m in a tug a war.
Best answer:
Answer by Jordan M ش١٩٧٦
I understand you loving your mom…you should. BUT she is an adult now and cannot continue to control you. She was careless and stupid to get pregnant for some loser in a bar. That’s not your problem. Contrary to all thought, children are NOT obligated to parents. Children don’t ask to be here, people bring them here. Stop feeling guilty.
You have 2 needy women pulling at you and it will tear you apart. Time to put your foot down to save your sanity. Either stop answering your phone at work or tell both of them in no uncertain terms that they are only to call you at work if it is an emergency (and define what emergency that will be.)
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Welcome to parenthood- you are going to be exhausted for years. We all are.
I would recommend that you let them both know you are no longer able to take calls other than EMERGENCY calls during regular work hours. Let them know you’ll check in with them during your lunch break for a few minutes BEFORE you eat. Then, you can say you need to go and eat.
Let them both know you have resorted to sleeping in your car at times because you are exhausted and this is NOT an acceptable way to live.
I think making 1 evening out every couple of weeks is something you must consider. Just don’t be a goof about it- go out, don’t drive drunk, come home at a reasonable time. You deserve down time too. Perhaps you can do this when your wife visits with a friend.
For your Mom- let her know you are a grown man now with responsibilities and that while you LOVE LOVE LOVE her and will be there to help her out you have things to do in a day. Let her know that she can expect you to run errands twice a week. Same for your wife. So, they should start making lists for that day.
BE a man. Be an adult who says what they need and what they will accept.
Best wishes to you.
you need to man up and cut the apron string…you are married, that means you are obligated to your wife…not your mother. You mother made her bed…mom needs to grow up and stop having babies by strange men who dont give a damn about her and she needs to stop treating you like you are her man! she wont do either until you tell her to stop and make it clear that you are married and its not your job to do all of these things for her while she tries to cause riff in your marriage. what kind of mother she is I cant say out of respect for your situation…but its not your fault that she is doing what she is doing and its not up t you to hold her down, shes a grown woman she needs to step up her game…big time.
Would you like to spend the rest of your life like this? It only gets worse after you have a child of your own AND a baby brother/sister in your life. That makes four total added stresses (Wife, you child, Mom, baby sibling). SO, if you don’t take a stand now, you will never get a moment of peace. First of all, go visit your mom. You need to talk with her about how it was her decision to get pregnant, and that you can’t bear the burden of this right now when you are supposed to be enjoying the excitement of having your own first child. Just ask her for some space. (Just make sure you tell her that you love her and all of that… but she needs to understand that you’ve left her nest and she can’t own you anymore). Next, stop taking personal calls at work unless it’s an emergency. Tell your wife and mom that your boss is cracking down on personal phone calls and to avoid getting in trouble you will not be taking calls unless it’s a specific emergency. That aside, unfortunately with a new baby on the way you can’t really get out of running errands for your wife. You made the decision to have a baby and she needs support right now. Hopefully with your mother off your back you will have a little less to worry about and you can focus your time on being there for your wife. However, dedicate one night a week to hanging out with friends. For your own sanity… and also because it’s not healthy to have a complete lack of bonding time with people outside your home. It will make you be in a way better mood after getting some of YOUR needs met instead of meeting everyone else’s first. Just ONE night a week is an overly fair compromise your wife must respect. I think you’ve more than proved you’re an available husband, but you’re so overworked that your friendships are lacking… come on, don’t take no for an answer. Your “caretaker” part worries about everyone else’s needs before your own, which makes you stressed out and worn thin. So take some action now… and take it one task at a time. Make it a PRIORITY that you are in bed asleep by midnight no matter what. Just learn to put yourself first for once… it sounds like you never have!
Good luck!
I do know what your mother is going through and what i mean is letting you go, my son had to sit down and have a good talk with me to understand the stress i was putting him through. You really need to talk to your mother and tell her you love her BUT! she needs to back off and let you be a husband and father, tell her about how you feel and if she loves you she will understand. As for your wife tell her to let up on the calls, but that you need to unwind at times so you need a break with your friends, tell her that you want to be a good loving husband but that you do have stress, and if she loves you she will understand. Young man you need to talk it out with the women in your life and stand up for yourself or you will drown!
You poor guy!!!!!! I totally will add you to my prayer list. First of all, your mother is pregnant by her own choices. You have a family now, and your focus needs to be on your wife and baby. Encourage your mother to join a pregnancy support group, go to religious services to get to know caring people, and live her life. Perhaps she needs to look for Mr. Right through safe referrals from friends. You risk removing yourself as a father, husband and son from the lives of the people you care about if you don’t take care of yourself. It is normal for guys to be absent from the ‘friends’ scene for a while when a new baby is on the way, and when the baby is young. It is important to not loose contact with your friends entirely, however, and you should be able to ‘go out with the guys’ at least once per month to help keep yourself from getting discouraged. Be careful though, the highest risk for infidelity in a marriage is when the wife is pregnant. Don’t mess up your family by succumbing to temptation. This will pass, and you will be happy you were faithful when it does. A committed relationship with a woman you love and a child to show for it are so worth it.
btw, have you considered the thought that your mom might have done this as a way to feel special and loved, since you left the nest? Don’t let her neediness bind you too tightly. She is a grown woman, and since she had you young she is surely young enough to forge her own relationships. She needs to be the grown-up now too, and doing what she can to assist you to prepare for the arrival of her new grandchild.